Sit On My Face

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Happy Halloween My ASS!!!

I fucking hate Halloween. It's just a day of utter stupidity. A day where you can let it all hangout and do whatever and then blame it on "oh, it's a joke, it's Halloween." Miss me with that bullshit...I'll be so glad when this day is over. Yes, the delirious Gemini is out tonight. Actually I think SuperBitch has come out to play. I hope nobody does anything stupid tomorrow, because they are gonna get their ass handed to them...I'm not in the mood!!!

When John Met Tom

Okay so I'm on one this evening...I'm gonna do my first political post. Nothing major, just my nerdy side coming out to play...lol. I'm so excited that the end of this Bush thing is almost here, but so nervous about the aftermath of his term. The new president will have so much "house cleaning" to do, he will need the entire fleet of Molly Maids.

I love Tom Brokaw ***swooning***...I have a pepaw crush on him...He's so hot! This morning on Meet The Press he was joined by none other than John McCain. There were carefully chosen sound bites and polls that McCain clearly didn't want to discuss. I kinda felt sorry for the old man. He was flustered, blinking excessively, and I really felt so sorry for that marker he was holding, taking out his frustrations on that poor writing instrument...smh.

McCain hates when the sound bites are played because he knows there's really no way to backtrack on what he has previously said. He doesn't want to hear the poll results because its like the writing on the wall that no one wants to acknowledge, let alone read. He only wants to try the scare tactic that Obama will raise your taxes. I swear that was his answer to just about every question...it's sickening. No, Mr. McCain, YOU would be the one to continue to raise my taxes. We are already living a nightmare and the people know that with you in office, there may be no end in sight.

"I don't defend her, I don't have to defend her. I praise her", says McCain of Palin...lmao...then he goes into the spiel about her "qualifications". Spare me...then Tom (get him Tiger...grrrr) hit him with the spending spree ($150,000) at Needless Markup (Neiman Marcus, I love to shop there too, but can't anymore...damnit!). He starts explaining and then stops himself and says "it sounds like I'm defending her, but I'm not"...rotflmao. Yes, Mr. McCain...should you happen to win this election (God help us...please don't let this happen) you will spend a good portion of your term "defending" your VP.

I was speaking with one of my friends who is a proud, card-carrying republican. He has confessed that he wants Obama to win. He said he's about ready to turn in his republican card. We have some pretty interesting conversations. I can't wait to talk to him about this mornings MTP. I have been extending an invitation to him to come on over to the Light...lol. I've asked him what he thinks of "his" president...he won't answer. My dear friend, I often ask, why wont you answer me? Has Bushy really screwed it up that bad for you too? Has he embarrassed you too with his mockery of the highest office of the land? Ooooh, have you become financially unstable since his time in office? I'm still waiting for the answers ***looking at my watch***...

I probably wont post any more election stuff until after Wednesday because I gotta check out what Obama has to say that night...

What Does It All Boil Down To?

You know I've been thinking that I've become soft in my old age. I used to have the men knocking my door down, ringing my phone off the hook, and keeping my schedule tied up for weeks at a time. But as I sit back and ponder what am I doing differently, I have found that I am way nicer now than I used to be. In my 20's I didn't give a damn. I used to treat the men really bad, and they would always come back for more. I have no idea what that was about, but if I liked a guy I would treat him bad and he was always right there for more punishment. Now, I am more concerned with how people perceive me (professionally) and I really don't have the energy to pull off the "bitch" routine anymore.

I was on a relationship chat this afternoon and it was more clear to me, that yes, I have matured (thank God) and that a lot of what I want has to do with respect. I have to be respected by the men I choose to deal with. I had a lot more patience back then, but now my tolerance for bullshit is extremely low. Back in the day, the only thing they respected was my pussy. And back then, that was okay with me because it was a mutual thing...respect for sexual skills. Now that I realize that I can have fulfilling sex but no meaningful relationship, I'm not sure I want to travel this road anymore. (Don't worry, I still have a boatload of stories to share for the blog and who knows, I might fall off the nice girl wagon and romp a bit more...lmao)

That shit with Dr. FGN was great don't get me wrong, but after careful thought, I realized that I was more upset because of the friendship that we had shared before we had had sex. Then when I found out he had a girlfriend...mofo...that just did it. He disrespected her and me. I wont label all men, but I will say that "people" will do what you let them get away with. So, I guess what I'm leading to is that we should all want to be respected, whether young or old, single or married, man or woman. I know some of the best relationships that I have been in are the ones where we had a mutual respect for one another. Those were the "boring" relationships that probably wont see the light of day on this blog, but they were great nonetheless.

I believe that when there is a mutual respect for each other, you can feel more at ease giving of yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically. When there is respect you know that the other person holds you in high esteem and should be considerate of you. As you get older, what is it that you desire most in a relationship? I'm curious...please share.

SIDEBAR: I'm sure I can muster up some "bitch", and I was actually thinking about doing an experiment to test the theory...I don't know, I'll keep you posted... =)

Back 2 Back

So here's another one of my proud moments (being sarcastic)...It was a night that involves a guy that I was "dating" and The Singer (from a previous post "Hey, I Know Her"). The guy that I was kinda dating was a bit boring, but he was nice to have around and the sex wasn't that bad. But I was still messing around with The Singer too. All I had to do was call and he would be there. I loved that shit. I guess he liked my company too...lol. Anyway, this particular evening I had called The Singer, but he didn't answer, so I left him a message and told him that I wanted to see him. He didn't call back immediately (which was rare), so I just figured he was in the studio or something. No problem because the other guy had called about an hour later and he wanted to come over and cook for me. So of course, I couldn't resist that.

He came over and cooked for us and we chilled out, ate, and ended up in the bedroom (of course). Just as we were finishing up, I could hear my cell ringing, and ringing, and ringing...Oh shit! It had to be The Singer calling me back. My phone was in the other room, but I have supersonic hearing, plus I was really hoping to see The Singer that night. I didn't know what to do, because how could I rush this guy out of my place after he had just cooked such a good meal and laid it down in the bedroom? Well, I surprised myself that night, because I didn't hesitate
to jump outta bed (after we finished of course) and check my cell. And I was right, it was The Singer calling. In fact, he had called my house phone too. I guess he really wanted some that night. I did too. I called him back and he was on his way to my house. I told him to give me a minute, but he was already near my place. I think he knew I had somebody else there too. I told him that I was gonna jump in the shower because I wanted to be ready for him and if he got there to just wait in the car.

So the other guy (poor thing) had no idea, he was in the bedroom half asleep. I ran in there and told him that I was about to take a shower and that he should join me. How fucking scandalous is that shit, "can you scrub my back so it can be clean for the next man?"...As we were showering my mind was racing, trying to figure out how I was gonna get this dude outta my place and The Singer in without incident...Good dick will make you do some crazy things...damn!!! Apparently, The Singer was knocking at my door when he got there (we were in the shower thank goodness). The next morning my neighbor told me he was banging on my door and she opened her door to see what his problem was...rotflmao...

When we got outta the shower, I called to see where The Singer was, he told me he was in his car. I told him to wait just a few minutes and then he could come up. Man you should have seen me rushing that other dude out. I walked him out and we used the back way, which was great because he was parked there anyway. By the time I got back to my place, The Singer was at my door. He was trying to figure out why I was outside. I told him I was dumping the trash (I really was...had to get rid of those condom wrappers too). He gave me the side eye, but
brought his fine ass in anyway. As soon as I shut the door, he grabbed me and kissed me like he never had before. I was like "damnit!". He also fucked me like he never had before. He was doing some new shit (positions) that we had never tried before. I know he knew somebody was there before him, I just felt it. I guess he wanted to make sure that he out shined the other dude. And believe me, he did. It was a night that I will never forget.

Normally I would just think that any woman who did this (had sex with 2 men in the same night) was just a nasty ass. But I'm finding out that a couple of my friends have done this too. I never told them that I did it, but just laughed at them when they divulged the information. I guess I did it because I wasn't expecting to see The Singer that night. I wasn't really that sexually attracted to the other guy (not repulsed either) so sex with him was not that exciting, but he always made sure I had an orgasm. I guess that's why I kept him around. But The
Singer...oh my goodness...he was "walking sex". We were so sexually compatible and it was just electric when we did what we did. When it came to him, I just got stuck on stupid. So yes, I was a nasty ass for a night. But man that shit was so worth it =) This particular incident was also a prelude to "The Devil's Threesome" which happened several months later.

Couch Talk

I will be having "Couch Talk" from time to time. This is when I am going to post something that I feel warrants some professional counseling. There have been times (NOTE: I don't do this dumb shit anymore) that I have done some things that were completely unsafe, irrational, and just plain stupid. By the grace of God, nothing bad has happened to me. I get caught up in the moment and go with the flow and sometimes things just happen. I must say in my own defense, that my intuition is ALWAYS on point and there have been many times that I passed on some opportunities for "fun" because my intuition lead me away from it. With that said, I will share something that I did during a business trip...

So I was with some co-workers after a long day of conferencing. At the particular hotel we were staying at there also happened to be some other conferences being held and this meant men from different fields of work. A group of young men came over and started talking to our group. I think they were techs or something (something geeky). Any who...we were at the bar (one of my favorite places at a hotel...lol) getting all liquored up. They bought us some drinks and...well you know how that story goes. The one that was talking to me wasn't particularly cute, but he was okay. The more I drank, the cuter he become I guess. He was whispering shit in my ear but I didn't want my co-workers to know that I was thinking of taking him to my room. Yes, I had my own room because the girl that was to room with me backed on family business at the last minute. Lucky me...

We ended up in my room...when I think about this I still can't believe I did it...what a dumbass. So we get in the room and we're kissing and then he goes straight for the panties. The next thing I know he's face down in my crotch...and doing a damn good job if I might add. This dude was good...not the best, but for that night, yeah he was damned good. So he finishes (or should I say I finish...hehehehe) and he looks at me like its time for me to return the favor. Yeah, that's not gonna happen I start to think. I tell him that I have a really early morning and a presentation. I get up and start walking towards the door. He looked very confused and then a little annoyed. I was relieved to see that look instead of rage or worse. He didn't want to leave, but by this point I had already opened the door and was standing almost outside the door just in case he tried anything funny, I could run my stupid ass down the hall. He left with no incident. Whew...just thinking of what could have happened...really scares me now.

This particular incident happened when I was going through a stage where the men in my life had done me so wrong. I went on a "fucking spree". I was calling some of my exes for sex and then I wouldn't talk to them anymore. I wouldn't return phone calls or anything. I don't know where this behavior came from. But it made me feel empowered in a strange kinda way because when I used to date them, they treated me bad. But I guess since some time had passed and I initiated the booty calls, I guess they thought it was on again. NOT...I just wanted to fuck 'em one more time and then tell 'em to fuck off by kicking 'em out when the sex was over and then not talking to 'em anymore. I definitely needed some "couch talk"...

SIDEBAR: I ran into one of these exes this summer. I hadn't seen him in years. He followed me until I decided to pull over and talk to him. Poor thing was STILL confused as to why I hadn't returned any of his emails or phone calls after that one night. I didn't have the heart to tell him he was just a casualty in my silly little love/hate sex game. But he was on that list of men who did me wrong...so I guess he still doesn't deserve an explanation...

The Devil's Threesome

Yes, I got my freak on with two men at the same time. I guess it was the alcohol. I guess it was curiosity. I guess I might need to go "sit on the couch" and discuss some of my behavioral issues with someone. I was 30 years old, single, hot in the pants and needed to be hosed down.

This particular night one of my good friends from childhood was over. He happened to be friends with the guy I kissed all night in college (from a previous post). They came over to visit me. We were drinking and reminiscing about old times. I guess we had too much to drink. The conversation is still fuzzy in my head, but I remember them saying something about me being scary. We started talking shit back and forth and then we got on the subject of sex. I had been having sex with the kissing guy for a while after we graduated. But I hadn't done anything with my childhood friend. I remember thinking that this wasn't right, but some how, some way the three of us ended up in my bedroom.

It was quite interesting to have two men "working" on me at the same time. I was in sensory overload. The kissing guy knew what I liked, so he went for his while my childhood friend was kinda tripping out. Then he started to kiss me too. It was wild. It was fun but very different. I don't believe that I would try it again. And just in case you're wondering, the two men didn't have sex with each other and NO I won't have sex with a woman.

Planes, Chains, and Pedicures

I guess I will bypass some of the insignificant sexual experiences and go right in to my late 20's and early 30's (before I got married). So much to tell. I'll start with my southern gentleman that I met on the job. I will call him Goldie. We met through our respective jobs and one day things got a little personal. I realized that I was beginning to get interested in him. We exchanged numbers and began this long distance love affair. I remember the first time I saw him in person. He was so tall and handsome. He had sent for me to visit for a weekend. Little did we know that this was gonna turn into something very serious.

We saw each other every other weekend and sometimes every weekend. He would fly out to me or I would fly out to him...Delta Airlines really loved us =) And every time, the sex was off the hook. I mean that man was a beast. He could go all day and night. That was some of the best sex I had at that point. I hadn't been with anyone who had so much stamina. I was loving every minute of it too. But as with all good things, that relationship ended. He was a cheater and we had some other things happen in the relationship that we just couldn't work past. It was sad, because I truly loved that man. We were supposed to get married. I still keep in touch with him, but we will never get back together again. He's not the marrying type.

After Goldie there was a police officer that I dated on and off for about a year. Police officers are crazy. I've dated about 3 and my friends have dated some as well. It's a scary kinda crazy too. Maybe because they have those guns and the right to use them...I don't know. But I'm glad that I met him and dated him. He introduced me to the world of bondage and foot fetish. I didn't think I'd be into either, but hey, how can you know if you don't try.

I had heard of this before but didn't really know anything about it. At first I wouldn't let him bind me or anything, but he wanted me to handcuff him, chain him, use a whip and sometimes blindfold him... that shit turned me on. I was like hell yeah, I'll treat you like shit. Doing that took me to a whole other world. I would lose my good girl image and the bad girl was unleashed. I think he liked that too. I guess because he was binding people at work all day he wanted to be bound...I don't know, but I didn't have a problem with it.

But then one day he surprised me with his foot fetish. He would always give me foot massages. I loved that. Really good ones too. But little did I know he had a thing for feet. One night while having sex he just thrusted my foot in his mouth. Okay...moment spoiled. I was like wtf??? He told me he had been wanting to do that for such a long time. He then explains to me that he loves women's feet. I didn't have to ask any questions because once he started he ran the whole scenario down for me. I told him that I wish he would have just told me. He asked if he could buy me some shoes. I'm certain I gave him the stupid face. Can you buy me some shoes??? Ummm...hell yeah...size 6 please...thank you =) I always wore sneakers with him and he wanted me in strappy heels and peep toe pumps. And that's what he bought me. I was loving this. And since his secrets were out, he started painting my toenails too. I had my very own personal pedicurist and foot stylist at my beck and call. Damn, where is he now??? I could use a good foot stylist these days...

Adventure...It's The Spice Of Life

I think 2009 is going to be an adventure for me. It's about damn time. I've been living a depressing, boring, and unfulfilled existence up until the last 4 months. I'm ready too. I'm trying some new things out right now. I'm not ready to share what I'm doing just yet, but maybe by November or December I can share.

All is calm over here in my neck of the woods this weekend...still haven't heard from Dr. FGN, so yes, he is fired for sure. I feel bad about that too because of the friendship that we had long ago. But if he is gonna act like a bitch-made man, I truly can't deal with that. That's not the kind of adventure I'm looking for right now. I can't coddle him and his ego.

I haven't heard from C&D and I consider that a true blessing from God. I think my cousin may have sent word back that he should stop trying to be my boyfriend. I think some other information got out too...he probably wants to kick my ass...but he knows I have the police on my side so he better fall back. I still have something at his house that I need to get back though...it has sentimental value. So eventually I am gonna have to contact him for that. DAMN DAMN DAMN...

I plan to travel more. That will definitely spice up my life. I just gotta find someone to travel with. I'm beginning to tire of traveling alone. It's fun, but I'm reaching a different point in my life. I want shared adventures. I actually wanna learn some new things. I think I will be a student for life. I just love learning new things. But I'm looking for a teacher...anybody wanna be my full time teacher?

Sweet September Night

I saw Mr. Man last night. I'm still on cloud nine. Again, I don't wanna talk about him too much, but we had a great time and some great conversation. Found that we had many things in common. Just nice to spend time together and get to know each other. He makes my heart flutter...

Well Dr. FGN has been fired. He acted a complete and total ass yesterday. I was off from work and totally told him I would be 2 weeks ago. I told him that I didn't have plans and that if he wanted to see me we should plan it out. So he said he would see. Well after that conversation I didn't hear from him anymore. Until yesterday afternoon. Yeah, well it was too late because I had already made plans to be with Mr. Man. And did you really think I was gonna change those plans??? NOT!!!

So Dr. FGN sends me a text telling me that he's at his sister's house (she live close to me) and asks if he could come see me. I was with Mr. Man, so I texted him back and told him I was unavailable. I told him that since I didn't hear from him, I made plans and that I couldn't see him. Well apparently that didn't sit well with him. I haven't heard from him.

No time for a picture today...sorry =(

September 25th - Adonis Day

This is a very special day for me. Every 25th of September I take time out from my day to remember a very special man who helped mold me into the woman I am today. This is the most beautiful man I have ever been with. He is the epitome of the perfect man physically. I will call him Adonis.

Many years ago on this very day I was playing the roll of "wingman" for one of my good friends. She had met a guy and really liked him. This night she wanted to go out but he was with his best friend and she didn't want to be the third wheel. She asked me if I would go with her to hang out with them. I really didn't feel like it, but she had done this for me in the past, so I got up made myself look fabulous, put on some sweet smelling perfume, and headed out the door.

When we arrived at her man's house I told her she owed me one. In my opinion, her man wasn't that attractive so I was imagining what surprise would be waiting for me behind those doors. I was mentally preparing myself for some nasty boogerwolf who would be waiting for us to get there. I was thinking of excuses so when I got bored I could tell my friend I had to go (she drove).

We get in the house and music is playing and we are greeted by her man. Adonis was in the kitchen mixing up some drinks. We walk in the kitchen, and I see this drop dead gorgeous man holding a 2 liter coke bottle. He walks over to speak to us and at the sight of his face and smile I go completely deaf and mute. I didn't hear a word he said and I couldn't utter a sound. I couldn't even move. My friend started nudging me, and then I came back to earth. I remember just looking at her and saying..."you don't owe me shit, I owe you a million". He asked us if we wanted a drink, we said yes, and he made the drinks and we all went into the den to talk.

I realized that I had totally missed his name and I had to ask my friend what it was. She laughed and told me his name again. Clearly she could see that I was really excited about her man's friend. I sure was. I couldn't wait for she and her man to go in his room for quality time so I could get to know Adonis.

They went away, and I was left to take in all the beauty that was before me. I felt woozy. Have you ever been in the presence of someone who was so unbelieveably beautiful? Generally men do not make me nervous, but I think I was expecting to meet someone who was the complete opposite of him and it literally stunned me. I couldn't believe that this was the man who I was playing "wingman" with. Damnit he was fine. We drank and continued to talk, discovering that we had some friends and interests in common. It turned into a fabulous evening. I didn't need my excuses to leave. I didn't want to go anywhere. But soon, my friend and her man reappeared from his den of inequity, and she was ready to go. Doesn't it always work like that???

They walked us out to the car. I thanked her man for inviting me over (and whispered thanks for the eye candy). Adonis walked with me down the street to the car. He asked me for my cell number and said he would like to hang out. I had to fight really hard not to smile too much. I was doing cartwheels on the inside. I gave him my number and then we hugged. You know I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't. My friend and I got in the car and drove off. We were both giggling like two girls with a juicy secret.

He called me the next day. We had a great conversation. He said he wanted to see me. I didn't know if that was a good idea. I knew that I would want to kiss him and eventually have sex. I called my friend to see what she was doing. She said that her man and his friend wanted to come by and chill with us and that she was just about to call me to see if I wanted to do that. Are you kidding me? Hell yeah I wanna do that...

At this point in my life I had moved home to live with my father. So I definitely couldn't entertain Adonis at my house. My friend had her own place so I basically hung out over there all the time. I went over to her house and we cooked some food and waited for our company to arrive. They brought the alcoholic beverages since we had cooked. It was only a matter of time before the other couple would disappear. Adonis and I both knew that. I think he wanted to be alone with me just as much as I did with him.

Alone at last, Adonis moved in for a kiss. WOW...I went deaf and mute again. Son of a bitch!!! Was it the alcohol or did I almost have an orgasm from a fucking kiss??? Yum...he kissed me some more and the next thing I knew we were rolling on the floor about to get busy. Even though this was exactly what I wanted, I knew that we couldn't go all the way because the other couple were in the other room and probably would be coming back to join us soon. I sat up and told him we should chill out and just talk or maybe we should go for a walk and get some fresh air. We ended up settling for more conversation.

We talked on the phone the next day and he wanted to see me again. I didn't know what to do since I didn't have my own place. He invited me over to his place. I had to go. I went. Veni, vidi, vici...and the rest was history. We spent everyday together.

Time To Put My Big Girl Panties On

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've been doubting myself and stressing over things that I shouldn't be stressing over. My friends have been encouraging me and I'm sure they think I'm crazy. Yes, I am...delirious right now.

It appears that my comment did not offend Mr. Man from the previous post. I saw him the next night also, at his request. We exchanged numbers and have been texting. Tonight we actually talked on the phone for the first time. I was so nervous. Why? I don't know. Why would I be nervous on the phone, that's just silly. But I was. One friend said maybe it's a star struck/admiration kinda thing, but I don't think that's it.

When I saw him the second night I got so nauseated, I almost went home. I have NEVER EVER felt like this before. No one has made me this nervous. But its a good nervous. I think I'm losing it. For real. I can't even talk about it because it makes me smile so much that my cheeks hurt. And then I don't wanna talk about it because I don't wanna jinx anything, (I do believe God has a plan though and no jinx can penetrate that). I've just gotta suck it up. Put my Big Girl panties and deal with it, head on. Face this nervousness.

I really didn't want him to know that I was nervous but he said that he was nervous about meeting me too. Him nervous about meeting lil old me??? Oh wow! But as Glam told me the other night, I'm the bomb bitch...So I guess I need to tell myself that every morning when I wake up, write it on post its and look at it until I remember who I am.

I'm going to bed now...with a huge smile on my face...Damn...yeah I am REALLY trippin...

A Dream (Partially) Come True

Wow...I am filled with such joy and excitement. I just returned from meeting someone that I have been a fan of for over 20 years. I have to admit that I am a little speechless (and I think I might be just a tad bit star-struck). I have adored this man from afar for so long. He is an amazing talent and I respect his work so much. I also call him my man (in my head) and it was such a pleasure to finally meet him. When he saw me, he called out my name and we enjoyed a wonderful embrace and all the pleasantries that come with meeting someone for the first time in a public place. He told me that I smelled good too...lol ***actually giggling like a little girl***

We had a chance to talk briefly and to my surprise he told me that he was going through a divorce. I had a brief moment of insanity and word vomit spewed from my mouth...I told him that I was very sorry to hear that and then in the same breath whispered in his ear that I was single...FUCKING SLUT!!!! WTF was I thinking. Obviously I wasn't thinking. I might as well have just tackled him to the floor and got busy right there on the spot...He is one of the 4 married men that I mentioned in a previous post that I would sleep with if I had the chance. Well, I guess I will have to remove him from the list for a couple of reasons, my insanity being one of them. Damnit...

I did apologize for my comment. Grown ass woman acting like a teen aged groupie...it's awful and shameful. I'm not sure if he was bothered by my comment because he kept talking to me and was still very polite. He even said that we would talk further about his situation. Oh yeah, we email each other. I left that tidbit out. As we departed, there was another really nice hug and he grabbed my hand and kissed it softly. Now you know me and the kissing thing...oh boy, who would have known that a kiss on the HAND could be so sensual...I've got to stop letting these men put their lips on me...makes me crazy =)

Ladies...and Gentlemen, Please "Use The Mouth"

This is the funniest shit I have heard in a long time...a fellow blogster (Yo, what up Bronx?) brought this to my attention. I had to post it. It's about 10 minutes long, but WORTH EVERY MINUTE. It may not be safe for work, so turn the volume down or use headsets. Get ready to laugh your ass off....

Summer Love

Ahhh...the official ending to summer, my favorite season, is rapidly approaching and I must say that it was one helluva summer. I went from being totally alone and thoroughly enjoying that to a total nut job of a 'boyfriend' to a one night encounter that has left me with scattered emotions.

I love the picture for this post. I love sunsets. I would love to be sitting up on that tree with Dr. FGN (and I'm terribly afraid of heights, but I'd sit there with him). We talk everyday and I can't wait to see him. He doesn't live near me, its kinda something we have to plan. But I am looking forward to it nonetheless. ***sighing with a dreamy look on my face***

C&D texted me to see if I wanted him to go to church with me yesterday...ummm...that would be a big fat NO!!! With his crazy ass, they would probably hold him hostage at the altar and put all kinds of healing/holy oil on him. And I wouldn't stop them...I'd be right there praying too...In the name of Jesus, please keep this man away from GP...AMEN...I'm laughing, but its really not funny...

I'm kinda mad because I took C&D to a couple of my favorite hideaways and now I don't wanna go there because his stalker alarm may go off and he might show up. One of the places is my favorite restaurant, the waiters would kick his ass though...they love me in there. Damnit, and the other place is a public place, so he could just stalk the hell outta me there. Me and my sharing. Damn I knew I shouldn't have taken him to those places.

Addio estate...(farewell summer in Italian)...

Hey, I Know Her!

Well, well, well my friends, here is a moment of glory. One to add to the Book of Embarrassing Things. The tale of two men sleeping with the same woman (none of us had any idea).

Man #1 I will call The Singer. I met him in grad school. We had a couple of classes together and ended up doing a project for a class together. We were both single and the attraction was clearly there. So upon completion of the project, he told me that I should cook him a celebratory breakfast. Yeah right he's coming over one morning for breakfast is what I thought. So I decided to play along and asked him what would he like and when should I expect him. He said Friday night. "Friday night! You want breakfast for dinner?" I asked him. He said no, but that he was coming over Friday night and would stay for breakfast the next morning. Alrighty then, let me get the Victoria's Secret ready...bring it on big boy, bring it on! And so he did...

We continued to have sex for a couple of months, but I knew he was a player and that I couldn't get my feelings involved. He also is a singer and he would sing to me (damnit...nothing like a fine ass man singing to you face to face). We had talked about me singing back up on a couple of his songs, but that never panned out. We had fun, but since I knew I couldn't get serious with him I was also dating other guys.

Another guy I was dating at the same time was a friend of a friend. He knows that I love men and from time to time will introduce me to one of his buddies. I'm gonna write about him later, because he has this theory about me and men...anyway, I digress....This guy was tall, dark, and handsome. He talks really loud though, kinda frighteningly loud. I'm gonna call him Ruido. He was educated and he was a frat boy...in a frat that I have some affiliation with so that was all the better. We had that in common and we liked to eat and enjoy each others company. We would kiss all the time (he's in my top 10 of greatest kissers). I believe we only had sex 2 or 3 times. But I enjoyed the intimacy I had with him.

During this time I was still seeing The Singer also. But what I had forgotten was that The Singer and Ruido were in the same fraternity. But they wouldn't know each other would they??? It was my lucky day folks...they knew each other and quite well. My friend who had introduced me to Ruido called me and started asking questions. He asked if I knew The Singer and I told him yes. He told me to sit down. I knew something was wrong because he never gets serious with me. He tells me that Ruido and The Singer are good friends. And that they had been discussing me to one another, only they didn't realize it was the same woman...HOLY SHIT BATMAN!!!

I thought I was off the hook until my friend kept talking. I started to feel sick. He said they had mentioned me to one another at some point, but that recently they were going somewhere together and they were in my neighborhood. One of them said something about me living in that area, and the other said he was hanging out with a girl that lived over there too. So as luck would have it, they passed my house and both of them said "she lives right there". Damnit to hell...my friend thought this shit was really funny. NOT FUNNY MOFO! So he just wanted to give me a heads up...gee, thanks a million...

I got off the phone, with him and started thinking...how can I fix this? Damn, what can I do...I didn't know....argh!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't lose the man that would sing to me and come see me at a moments notice. But I didn't want to lose the intimacy that I had with Ruido either. Decisions, decisions, decisions....So I did what any self-respecting woman would do and I called them both. I would make my decision according to how they reacted at the news of sleeping with the same woman. Ruido was not happy about it. I felt bad, but explained that I didn't know they knew each other and the we didn't have anything exclusive. The Singer, laughed about it said it was no big deal AND in the same breath asked when could he come over....***ding ding ding ding, I'll take The Singer for $1,000 Alex***

I still remain friends with Ruido and see him from time to time, but as friends. I hadn't seen The Singer in years. Last year I show up at a function at Ruido's house and in walks The Singer. Years later it was uncomfortable. I hadn't thought about sex with Ruido in such a long time and since we were still friends I guess it didn't matter about what happened. But The Singer and I just faded apart, like he had fallen off the face of the earth. So I was rattled when I saw him still looking so fine and then I started thinking about the sex. Damn...but not in Ruido's house, that's just too scandalous GP...nothing happened. We just exchanged some sexy banter, and went our separate ways that evening.

So You Want Me To Give You A Baby?

That's one hell of a question asked to me by one hell of a man. Yesterday I got home and turned on the computer and to my surprise there were offline instant messages (IM) from Dr. FGN. I was delighted in light of the fact that it had almost been a week since I last heard from him. We chatted for about an hour and then he called me. This was rare, never really talk to him while he's at work. Before he called the IM's consisted of how he missed me, has been thinking about me, and when can he see me. Okay, I have to admit it felt nice to have him contact me first because I was really missing him and wanted to call. But I didn't and it made me feel even better that I let him make that next contact.

During the phone conversation we were talking about seeing each other and when that was going to happen. I'm busy this weekend and so is he. "This will never work", I'm thinking to myself. But he seems pretty adamant about spending time with me. We started talking about babies, because most of my friends have kids or want kids. It was just a random conversation. So he asked me if I wanted kids and I told him that I would love to have a baby, but I don't have any prospects to father it. There was a silent pause. And then out of nowhere he asks, "So you want me to give you a baby?" I immediately responded with laughter, and I made that spitting sound with my mouth. He was offended. He asked "did you just make that spitting sound?". I replied yes, as I was still laughing. He told me that he was very serious. Now how ya gonna explain that one to the girlfriend'? Is he serious? Really?

I told Glam and she's all excited. Now really, what would I do with a baby right now? I definitely wouldn't have time to come here and write all this foolishness. No more sex, no more vodka, no more sex, no more shopping at will, did I mention no more sex? Yeah, I might have a baby jones, but right now, today...I don't want to be pregnant. Maybe next summer or something. Too many more men to conquer before I put on my 'MOMMY hat'. I've got to get my hands on one of those twins. Both would be great, but at least one of them.

Hmmm...Dr. FGN wants to write me a prescription for a baby. I actually wouldn't mind having his baby, his family appears to be blessed with the "pretty gene" so that would be a plus. I know that sounds bad, but who wants an ugly baby??? I don't!!! Damn, the only prescription I want from him right now is limitless refills of his good loving. Do men try to get women knocked up? That would be some crazy shit right there.

You're ALL Whores...How About That!?!

This is a picture of one of my shirts. I wear lots of t-shirts with obscene/funny stuff on them. The topic of strippers versus non-strippers came up in one of my friends blog yesterday. So I'm posting part of my response to his blog here. I will be adding a little bit more at the end . Basically, he was talking about some friends of his - one is a stripper and the other is a schoolteacher. He says how they both talk shit about one another because one sells sex for fantasy (stripper) and the other gives it away free and got drama herself (schoolteacher). I say (in my cheerleader voice) You're ALL Whores!!! So here is my response to his blog:

I have a couple of friends that used to strip (female and male) and I've been behind the scenes with them a couple of times. Basically they provide a service - fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less. Like your friend, my friends would do their job, shower, collect that money and head home. My guy friends that used to strip would sleep with some of the women, but again they were just providing a fantasy. The next time those broads would show up at the club, they'd be "making it rain"...I'd watch in awe as these women would throw their money at these fools, thinking "silly rabbits, they don't want you, just your money"...lol. I'm not judging, just want some pole dancing lessons so I can get paid too damnit.

I never asked my female friends if they slept with any of the dudes from the clubs and they never offered up any info. I really don't care. So why did my friends strip? Trying to pay for college tuition for themselves, needing extra money to take care of ailing family member, lost a well paying job and had responsibilities and needed quick money, etc. Don't these sound like reasons any of us would get a side job? They just knew how to work smarter, not harder (while my ass was up in the mall working at Express and The Limited making minimum wage...smh).

And people making judgments about strippers, call girls, or anyone in the adult entertainment/sex industry is just plain hilarious to me. At least they are getting paid to do it. I know so many woman who sleep with this man and the next and don't have anything to show for it...well, maybe a kid or two, some past due bills, some bad credit, or something else he stuck her with that she didn't want. I know personally that teachers are some of the biggest freaks out there. So there is no room for some of them to open their mouth and say a damn thing (lest some bones will come flying outta that closet). And the worst part is they are doing it for free. I say, if you got all that "freak" in you, why not get paid for it?

Back in the day, my friends tried to get me to strip. When I saw the money they were bringing in, I seriously thought about doing it. But I got scared because I was imagining one of my uncles or cousins showing up for the show and seeing me there (complete mortification). But after knowing what I know now and having survived some of life's toughest blows to the gut, if I could get my 24 year-old shapely body back, I can't say that I wouldn't consider something like that for some quick cash. So in conclusion, you should not judge what other people do. As long as they are not hurting themselves or others or committing a crime against you, you should mind your business. We are all on the outside looking in. You don't know what drives people to do what they do. Just worry about yourself, make sure you can pay your way, and do what makes you happy.

That was the end of my post on his blog. I entitled this post what I did because I believe that at some point in our lives we have done some things that some may consider to be whorish. Hell after I post more stuff on here, I'm sure some of you will think I'm a whore...lol. Most men are whores (the original message behind the shirt was aimed at men). And ladies, you know that if you admit it, there has been something in your sexual past that you have done, that would qualify you as a whore. Actually if you're in a relationship with someone (married, dating, otherwise) I bet your man would appreciate it if you let loose every now and then. What do they say they want - a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed? Go ahead...try it.

Come Sit On Mama's Lap...Hey

Is there anything wrong with liking younger men? What if you want to pursue something serious with a younger man? I like 'em young. I'm not of "cougar" age yet, but I have a feeling that when I reach that point I'm gonna be one fierce cougar, pouncing on every unsuspecting male over the age of 21. I've been trying to figure out what the appeal of these younger men is, but I know that I'm very attracted to them. And apparently they are attracted to me because they are always approaching me. I feel like Esther the Molester. Young guys coming up to me giving me their best pickup line and I just laugh. I ask them their age, and then I really laugh. They are ranging between 19 and 24. When I tell them my age, they usually say something about how they like older women and it's no problem. I don't want some lady (his mom) yelling at me, asking "What you want with my BABY???" (from How Stella Got Her Groove Back)

There's only a certain type of older man that I'm attracted to. He can't be over the age of 45 and for some reason I like them to have facial hair with a little salt and pepper mixed in. That shit is sexy as hell to me. But most of them are married, so I can't do anything with them. Also, the older men that I have dated act just as silly or sillier than some of the young ones. I figure I might as well get more bang for the buck and get a young stud as opposed to an old fart.

If there's any woman reading this who is going through a bad breakup or a divorce, I recommend you go find yourself a nice little twenty-something. He will help you forget all about it. After I got divorced, I went into isolation. I didn't want to be bothered with any man. One of my friends told me that her friend was interested in me. I was really surprised. I had known him but I never would have imagined that he was checking me out. He was gorgeous and very young. Ten years my junior to be exact. My friend kept telling that we should go out or at least exchange numbers. This was my first May-December encounter, I was nervous. He eventually asked me for my number and we began to hang out. I really enjoyed his company. It was nothing like I had imagined. I thought he would be immature and want sex all the time. Not true, he had great conversation, knew how to treat a lady, and was fabulous in bed. He had me wanting it all the time. I miss him. I used to play in his hair. He had a lot of it. I still talk to him from time to time. Another cool component to this younger man/older woman thing is that the younger men don't hold grudges and get all pissed when its over.

And speaking of young and yummy, there's this pair of twins that I have just got to have (sounds like I'm talking about a pair of shoes or something..hehehe). Oh my goodness, they are fine as hell. They have beautiful brown skin and muscles everywhere. They're in their very early 20's...young, dumb and full of cum...just like I like 'em...I can't tell them apart so when they are both around I just call them "sweetie"...lmao. I kissed one of them, but I think he got scared. He always flirts the most though. His brother is 'involved' with some little girl. That's okay, I just wanna borrow him. I could teach him some new tricks that I'm sure she would appreciate.

Kissing

If you've been reading these posts I'm sure by now you have read where I talk about kissing gets me in trouble, or commenting on how someone kissed well, or something about kissing period. I LOVE to kiss. I'm just gonna put it out there. And I always 'know' if I want to kiss a man (in most cases, I will simply plant a big juicy kiss on him). It's kinda weird, but I guess considering I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, I did have a lot of practice kissing. I am a confessed kissoholic. ***grabbing my air microphone and singing..."they tried to make me go to rehab, I said NO NO NO"***

Now this doesn't mean that I just go kissing every man that comes within arms reach. It's this thing I have. I can look at a man and tell if he is kissable. Honest, I can. At the same time, I'm also sizing him up to see if he's fuckable (did I just type that...lmao!). Seriously though, I have never been wrong. I amaze myself. Remember I said that I barely and rarely kissed C&D. I knew it was something weird about him and I also knew he wasn't gonna be a good kisser. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I couldn't really get into him. That's the worse when you're supposed to be dating someone and you don't wanna kiss them.

I kissed my way through my Freshman year of college. I remember having a kiss-a-thon with this really cute Freshman guy. We went into the lounge at my dorm which had couches, a microwave, and a spectacular night view of the city. For some reason there was no one in the lounge that night. We were sitting on the couch talking and enjoying the view. I couldn't resist. I had to have his lips on mine. I kissed him. He kissed me back. We kissed and kissed and kissed. I'm trying to remember if we took any breaks............oh yeah, we did. I remember we had been kissing for about 4 hours and we couldn't go to my room because my roommate and her man were in there and he had the same issue at his dorm. So I went to my room and got a blanket and my pillow and hurried back to kiss on him some more. We got really comfortable and kissed until the sun came up. I mean we didn't stop and we didn't sleep. We kissed for more than 12 hours straight. My lips hurt so bad...damnit. But it was a good hurt, I didn't care. Nobody came in that lounge all night (or maybe they did and we were so into each other we didn't notice). But of course, my nosey ass roommate came in there that morning to get a pop tart...bitch please...pop tart my ass!!! Get the fuck outta here...please. But it was too late, he was embarrassed and I was pissed. And so ended that lovely evening/morning of spit swapping.

There is something sensual about kissing in my opinion. Sometimes a good kiss can be better than sex. It can take your breath away. There can be a message in a kiss. A simple act that can replace words. The deep passionate kiss that says "I missed you", the short sweet kiss that says "Have a good day, baby", the wildly animalistic kiss that says "I wanna fuck the shit outta you right now" or the bittersweet "sorry things didn't work out" break up kiss. And then there's the kiss that says "I will love you forever" (I'm still waiting for that one..lol).

Cheaters

As you can see I have a poll that is asking why do you think people cheat. I don't have the answer. I have prided myself on not cheating on any of my boyfriends (except for one that I am going to fess up to in just a few minutes). My philosophy is that when you are with someone and both people believe that it is a monogamous relationship there should be no stepping out of bounds. If there is a problem like no sex at home, you're bored with your partner, or whatever reason, I believe that as adults we should sit down and discuss the matter. I guess I just believe differently than most. I have been cheated on in 80% of my relationships. It's not a good feeling to be cheated on, especially when you are fully committed and your mate is not. It's better for me to just break up with someone, and even divorce them, before I cheat on them. I am a communicator. When I'm happy you will know it. Likewise, when I am unhappy you will know that too. I will give you ample opportunity to fix or change the situation. If things don't change, then it should be no surprise to you that I am going to have to end the relationship. Relationships are difficult enough and when you throw extracurricular activities in the mix, it can be a real mess. Unfortunately, everyone is not a communicator. Some would rather just keep quiet and do what makes them happy instead of trying to find a happy medium with their mate or leave.

Surprisingly, I am finding that women are cheating much more these days. Women that I would never suspect, married with kids, are coming out to play now. So boys, its not just for you anymore. I guess these women are getting tired of your antics and are goose/gandering you. I don't know anymore. I guess that's why its hard for me to take a man seriously. I don't know if he has a girlfriend/wife, 15 kids, or even A BOYFRIEND. It's like a game and you don't know the rules, so how can you play. That's why when my family tries to set me up on dates, I just turn them down. Like I said in a previous post, the older I get, the more I stop believing in the whole concept of "falling in love" with someone. I guess I can care deeply for them, lust for them. But I just don't think I have it in me to give my all to someone who can just turn their back on me and break our trust bond with another woman or women.

Now the story of my one time cheating. It was my college boyfriend, the one who changed my mind about sex, the one that I had learned to be open and honest with, the one I gave my all to. I started to feel that he was messing around with some other girls on campus. A woman's intuition is no joke. He was in fact messing with women from other colleges and one of my best friends at the time. I confronted him about the other women but he denied it (duh!). I told him that if he wants to see other people we should just break up. He said that wasn't the case and that I was studying too hard and it was making me crazy...whatever! But one day I caught him with my friend in a compromising situation. My first instinct was to kick some ass and then ask questions. I just looked at her, and she knew that she should flee the premises at once. There was nothing he could say to make me believe that I didn't just see what I had seen. I was young and in love and eventually forgave him but I didn't fully trust him. That was a problem. I continued to feel like he was still cheating.

One day one of his best friends came to me and asked if we could talk. He proceeded to tell me some of the extracurricular activities that he had witnessed. He told me that he liked me and thought it was wrong the way I was being treated. I took that information and thank his friend knowing full well that he was telling me this because he wanted to see if I would sleep with him. After hearing this news, I was infuriated and my 'evil twin' came out. She doesn't get out much, because she's an extremely mean bitch and its best that she stay safely tucked away. I went to my boyfriend's house and just started speaking hypothetically...how would you feel if I slept with another man? And what if that man was one of your best friends? He started to get pissed. I hadn't done it yet, but he knew he had been doing stuff. I just looked at him and smiled and then told him I was only thinking those things. Yes, SuperBitch was in full effect.

I was so hurt that he had cheated on me and continued to lie about it. So in true SuperBitch fashion I called his best friend and told him to meet me at my house in a couple of days. I wanted to make sure that my roommates were gonna be home to witness everything. One of them had a big mouth and I knew she would spread the news across campus faster than a wildfire. Just as planned he showed up a couple of nights later, with some wine and flowers (on a college students budget no less). I got some wine glasses and the bottle opener from the kitchen and took the wine, flowers, and man into my bedroom. He was the third man I had slept with. It was fantastic. After it was over I didn't even feel guilty. In fact, I made plans for him to come over again that weekend.

What was I doing??? I loved my boyfriend but he was just a cheating asshole who was making me wanna do the same thing. Like I said, I didn't feel guilty. I felt liberated, justified in my actions. But I am not a good liar and I was hoping that he wouldn't ask me who I had slept with because I didn't want any shit with he and his friend. He never asked me who it was, but he knew that someone else had been where he used to be. We eventually broke up, because he was going to keep cheating no matter what and I knew I deserved better than that. So there you are, the story of my one time cheating experience. I know Glam is gonna have some questions about this because she knows nothing about it...rotflmao...

Does Size Matter?

It's that age old question that just won't go away...does size matter? Just so there is no mistake, I am talking about penis size. I guess every girl wants a size that fits her and is comfortable. But unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. I guess it's kinda like the men that want the skinny bitches. Some girls just like to eat, so they come with a little more cushion for the pushing. Some of my friends/acquaintances are "size queens". They are not satisfied with anything under 7 inches in length and require girth too. I am not a size queen, but you do have to be working with something. And if you're not blessed in that particular region, then you better have over the top cunnilingus skills and know how to work what you have. Sometimes I feel like Goldilocks working my way from bed to bed seeing which penis is the right fit. oh dear, that one is much too small and soft. OH DEAR, that one is much too large and stiff (ouch!). I'm looking for the one that is Just Right with a little softness for flexibility and a little stiffness for the long haul. I have been through the good, the bad, and the ugly of the penis search.

I don't know if I should start with the tiniest or the most humongous penis I've ever encountered. The tiniest is funnier so let's start there...lol. There was a guy I met, and since telling this story to friends, he is and will always be referred to as "teeny peeny". Thank goodness I haven't met anymore of his kind. I was so embarrassed for him. We were making out (do people still call it that???) and then clothes began to come off. He was a pretty good kisser so that kept me occupied for the moment. But of course I had to check out the goods...see what he was working with. So my hand brushed over his penis and I thought, "hmmm, he must need a little more time...", so we continued to kiss and remove more clothes. Finally we're down to no clothes and it was time for action. As a cautious woman I usually initiate and sometimes put the condom on for a man. But he was being a little weird and wouldn't let me put it on. So I thought that he still must not be ready, so I wanted to see if there was anything I could do...hehehe...to help him along. He stopped me and told me that he was about the put the condom on just give him a second. I complied. But I always check before insertion to make sure the condom is on properly. I got the biggest fright of my life when I grabbed his penis and felt the condom loosely on there. I thought that he wasn't hard enough so I told him that maybe he should wait to put the condom on until he is hard....WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? He looked at me, I will never forget this as long as I live, and said "I am hard!!!" I wish somebody could have taken a picture of my face. I know it would have been classic. Right after he uttered those words, they kept ringing in my ears. I was stunned. At first, I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. I was embarrassed for him and I felt bad for saying what I said. I didn't know. I felt even worse, and he did too, when I grabbed his penis and it was ROCK hard but only the size of one of those mini pencils you use while golfing or at IKEA. Have you ever seen those latex fingertip protectors? Ummm yeah, that's actually what he should have been using instead of a condom. Needless to say, I spoiled that moment and we never had sex. I wonder if he's married now? Poor girl =(

Now the largest penis I have ever seen and encountered is from a man I will call Suave. He is just that too. Everything about him is just as smooth. He's a businessman that I met many years ago. Whenever I visit his town or he visits mine, we always hook up. The last time we rendezvoused was about two years ago. The experience was like something out of a soap opera, very romantic...there were candles and it was raining...I digress...sorry. The size of his penis, I call it a dick, is unimaginatively huge. I found out that he had a monster trapped in his trousers. I swear to you that when we were about to sleep together for the first time and he took off his pants, I thought he had a dildo in his underwear. I was thinking this mofo is crazy, he brought toys and packed them in his underwear. Then when he pulled me close, of course curiosity took hold of me and I had to touch it. I think he must work with the circus as a sideshow freak or something. When he took his underwear off, I remember just looking at it in amazement. I do remember that I was completely horrified at the thought of something that huge entering me. But we made it through. He was super gentle and very patient. And from that point on every time we meet up, I always have to mentally prepare myself for that King Kong Dong of his. To give you an idea of what he is working with think 11 inches in length and about 3 1/2 to 4 inches in girth. Yeah, I always have to sit in Epsom salt for about a week after fooling with him.

Penises are awfully ugly. I know this has nothing to do with size, but while I'm talking about them, might as well give a shout out to the uglies and the not so uglies. The ugliest are those uncircumcised creatures. I have only seen 2, and that is enough to last a lifetime. Thanks, but no thanks! Let me stop thinking about that because I might have nightmares about it. Moving right along....But there has been an occasion or two where I found myself in the presence of a masterpiece. There's one that belongs to a man that I will post about later. His penis was a thing of beauty. It was one color, not multicolored like most. It was smooth, perfectly shaped and a good size. I could look at it all day. And I used to. He thought I was crazy because I would just grab it and pull it out of his pants and play with it.

So, does size matter? Hell yes it does! No more microscopic penises please. I just can't take it. I want it when I want it and if you don't have "it", then kick rocks (leave me alone). On the other hand, a gigantic dick is a bit much too. Maybe if I had pushed a baby out of my cooter, it would be equipped to handle all of that. But since I haven't, I'm a little afraid of the larger penised men (is that a word??? lmao...) But we all know who's dick I really want right now...Goldilocks has found her perfect fit, not too small or too large, it's Just Right BUT just not hers (sighs)...

In The Beginning...There Was Regret And Disbelief

I've decided that I need to start from the beginning of my crazy sexual experiences so that you can see how things have evolved since then. Like the title implies, my first sexual encounter was not a good one. In fact, it was down right awful. That's why I was filled with regret and disbelief. I regretted that I had wasted my virginity on what I now call a "dead fuck" and I was in absolute disbelief because I believed that ALL my friends had lied to me. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I was a late bloomer. I had always been afraid of getting pregnant and I wanted to make sure that didn't happen and interfere with my education. I had boyfriends in high school, but the thought of having sex in high school was repulsive. I was convinced that a high school boy knew about as much as I did and that would not be a pleasant experience. So I thought that if I waited until college I would find some experienced college boy that would show me the ropes. That's what I get for thinking...me and my smart ass!

It was the summer before my Sophomore year in college and all was well. Freshman year was over and I had the confidence to approach the guys now. I met a guy through a relative and we hit it off. He wasn't the most attractive man to look at, but he was nice. We dated for a short while and then one night, CURIOSITY got the best of me. He knew I was a virgin and was told by my relative not to even think about having sex with me. LOL..if only I had listened to my relative and not my raging 19 year-old hormones. I'll save you all the gory details because it still makes me mad at myself every time I think of my first time, but here's a short list. He was not gentle, he didn't ask if I was okay or if it hurt, he was pounding away, and wanted to keep going all night. And worst of all, he was breathing and sweating profusely in my face (YUCK!). The entire time I kept thinking to myself, "seriously, is this it? this is what all my friends are raving about?" In hind sight, I often wondered if it was his first time? But I knew better, he was kinda slutty. And did I mention that he was 21 years old??? I guess up to that point, no one told him he couldn't fuck. What a pity.

Fast forward to the morning after. I was ready for his ass to go home. Funny, because I get like that now sometimes. He was looking at me like I was a piece of meat and he was hungry. I remember jumping up and telling him we better get up because my roommates would be home soon. I got up and handed him his clothes and told him I'd call him that night. I was so glad when I shut that door behind him. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo mad at myself. I had wasted what was supposed to be a very special moment on some guy who now wants to pound, breathe, and sweat on me on a regular basis. He wanted us to be a couple. I wanted to have nothing to do with that. I knew, even though I had never had sex, that it was not supposed to be like that. We dated for a couple more months and then I had to let that go. I didn't want to regret him taking my virginity and keeping me all to himself, away from some man who could show me the real truth behind "this thing called sex". I was convinced that there was a man who could be gentle and talk me through the process. After all, it was all new to me.

I remember telling some of my friends after it happened, and they were shocked. I told them all I was pissed at them because they told me how good sex felt and that it was fun. Bullshit, didn't feel good and it most definitely was no fun. I still couldn't believe that I was no longer a virgin and that this would be my cautionary tale to all the virgins of the world. I was scarred and scared, not sure if I wanted to do it again. And then I met him. He was a tall, slender, very handsome 19 year old Sophomore. I was physically attracted to him so everything else just fell into place. I wasn't afraid to try "this thing called sex" with him. Good God Almighty...why didn't I hold on to my flower until I met him!!! It was wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, stupendous, and incredible. NOW I SEE WHAT EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT... That little 19 year old boy showed me the ropes and then some. I ended up making him my boyfriend for two years. He was not a virgin, but experienced enough so that he could teach me. We also learned a lot together. We were free to explore one anothers bodies and I felt safe exploring what would become my knowledge of self. From him I learned how to express what I wanted and what I didn't like so much. He told me what felt good to him and I learned how to listen and watch for cues that let me know that I was doing something he liked. There is no regret from that relationship, only gratitude. Now that's the kind of first time everybody should have. But for me the second time, or second person, was a charm.

Just Dump The Bitch

OMG!!! That sounds horrible and the picture makes it worse...lmao! I was having a conversation with my bestest friend, Glam, and we were talking about Dr. FGN. Come to find out he has a "girlfriend". Not really a big deal, because after he laid the smackdown on me, I was certain that some lucky girl was getting that on a regular. But its just strange that he would do that and have a girlfriend. I hope it wasn't just curiosity. I know I'm curious, but if I was in love with someone I really don't think I could cheat for the sake of curiosity. When I told Glam, her exact words were, "well what was he doing over there fucking you?!?"...my stomach was hurting from the laughter that erupted from that comment alone. We discussed it further and then she was saying that it must not be that serious with the girlfriend because he wouldn't have been spending the night at my house (and that was my thought too). Then she said, "just tell him to dump the bitch!"...what a noble concept I thought. I know for a fact that I have been dumped throughout my dating career for some hooker that my then boyfriends were sleeping with. So is it time for me to turn the tables and turn up the heat?

I couldn't believe that I was actually considering doing it. We (Glam and I) laughed about it but I think we both knew that there was a great deal of sincerity in that conversation. Oh, but could I be a straight out home wrecker? I'm not sure about that. I wouldn't mind letting him fuck the shit out of me every now and then because after that night I knew I wanted more. But honestly, he opened up a floodgate of emotions and stirred something deep inside (no pun intended) that I just may be afraid to explore. The other day he expressed some serious feelings towards me and told me that since that night we spent together he has become confused. Sidebar: Why is life so difficult? Why don't things happen at the right time (timing is everything)? Why do we always want what we can't have and don't want what we have???***rant over...feel better now***FUCK!!!! Now since he told me that, I can't stop thinking about him. It has gone far beyond that wonderful encounter we had. Now, I remember every conversation, email, and text, that we ever exchanged. I see his face in my dreams and I even had a hot flash yesterday at work when I was thinking about him...wtf!!! I agreed to let him have some time to "figure things out", so I won't be contacting him because I want to stay true to my word. But then there is a part of me that REALLY wants to call him and tell him to just dump the bitch and come on over here and give it to big mama! Hell, I've known him longer anyway (I think?, I didn't really ask too much about her...lol).

I have to get a hold of myself. I'm gonna wait it out (fingers crossed) and see what he has to say, if anything. And if we talk again I will let him know how I feel then. But if I have a moment of temporary insanity, which happens quite a bit, and breakdown and contact him I will be sure to come here and post about it.

Murky Waters

I feel like I'm treading through murky waters. What is a girl to do? I'm at a crossroad, a place where there are many signs telling which way to go, but I can only pick one road to travel down. I am content with my life the way it is right now. I'm single, no children, love to travel and meet new people, I am very spontaneous, and set in my ways. On the other hand, being content is not something I'm sure I can live with. I would like to be married, have a child, have a family to travel with, plan events, and learn to share with those around me. But will this fill me with the joy that I desire? I don't know because most of the people I know that are married are unhappy. I call it Club Misery. They look at my life and want to be single again. They tell me how lucky I am to be single and childless. Lucky??? Yeah, the grass is always greener...

But life in the single lane can also be unpleasant. I get lonely and sometimes resort to the company of some undesirable chap that at some point during our time together I'm wishing he would go away. I really enjoy traveling, but again, it can get lonely on the road. I see lots of beautiful places and I think it would be nice to share some of those experiences with a special someone, and even a family of my own.

The challenge comes in finding this mate I desire. The murky waters part of it. As I tread through, I may stub my foot on something that has the potential to be a treasure. I pull it from the water, wipe it off and wouldn't you know, it was only a rusted can. Sooner than later, I toss it back in the waters, seeing that I have no use for it, surely it can't bring me the joy I am in search of. But sometimes I may stumble upon an object that is bright and shiny, very beautiful on the outside. It catches my attention so surely I must hold it and inspect it carefully, to see if its worth keeping. Time is spent admiring it and I may get a slight attachment to it. This attachment and closeness, unfortunately, allows me to see that it too is flawed. I begin to see the cracks and soon the impurities begin seeping out. Sadly, I have to go back to those same waters and put my once beloved object back. There has to be something in these waters of value, something that can allow me to have what I'm looking for.

I too was a member of Club Misery. Although short-lived, I knew I had to cancel that membership. The older I get I'm certain that I am getting more and more set in my ways. I'm sure that there are unpleasant things about me that a man has discovered too. I am not so delusional as to believe that there is a flawless man out there. But, I have settled for many things in relationships that I have clearly stated I wanted no parts of. I know there will be things that I may have to deal with. But where is this man with the undesirable things that I CAN deal with with???

***Ring, ring, ring***...damnit to hell it's Crazed & Dazed. He's still emailing and calling. Why the hell did I answer that call? Will someone please take me by the hand and lead me to the crystal clear, crazy-free waters???

Just Don't Comb Her Hair...

Today I went to a birthday party with my little cousin. It was held at a place were you can make a doll that looks like you. You can pick out clothes, get their hair coiffed, and even buy accessories for your doll. As soon as I walked in I was immediately wishing I was a little girl again. This place was super cool. I also wish that I had thought of the idea for this place because at $100 a pop for a doll (just the doll, nothing else), I'd be sitting pretty right about now.

After the party we walked around this doll haven and helped my little cousin pick out her doll. Oh what fun!!! I was almost as excited as she was. Naturally, we had to pick an outfit for the new baby doll, and as we passed by the 'Doll Beauty Salon', my little cousin wanted to get a new hairdo for her new doll. This is when I start thinking, "This shit is outta control, a hairstyle for the doll at $20???'. The doll gets strapped into the salon chair, a cape is placed around her neck, and the stylist proceeds to ask my little cousin how she wanted the doll's hair styled. She tells her and the stylist wets the hair and begins to style away. Fascinated, we watch her and listen to her as she tells my little cousin not to comb the dolls hair. This of course goes right over the head of my little cousin. I mean come on, besides dressing your doll in fancy clothes the next best thing is combing their hair.

The stylist mentioned one more time not to comb the hair and I was wondering why she said that again. So I figure that it must be important and I decided to ask her what will happen if we comb the hair. She said that if you comb the hair it will get frizzy and you wont be able to get the curls to come back. This is a $100 doll and you mean to tell me the hair can't be combed??? So I looked at my little cousin and asked her if she understood that she can't comb her baby's hair. Just like any cute little girl under the age of 7 would do, she looked at me like I was crazy, but then said yes. I chuckled because I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I was. Because this doll costs so much I asked (in a quiet voice) "What happens if she combs the hair? Can we bring the doll back here and you can work your hairstylist magic?" Are you sitting down? Are you ready for her answer? Are you sure?

The stylist looks at me and in a not-so-quiet voice she says, "No, you would take the doll to the 'Doll Hospital' and they would give her a new head". WTF!!!!!! A doll hospital? Replace the head? Are you kidding me? No, she wasn't. She was very serious. But even more serious than the stylist and funny as hell, was my little cousin. She heard the part about giving her doll a new head and she turned and looked at me with terror in her eyes, "What did she say? She's gonna take my baby's head off??? She's not sick, she doesn't need to go to the hospital!!!" OMG, I thought I would fall on the floor and pee my pants! I grabbed my little cousin and hugged her, reassuring her that her baby was fine and that we were talking about something else.

I'm having second thoughts about buying one of these dolls now. I, like my little cousin, would want to comb my doll's hair. When I think back to my childhood, I was pretty rough on my dolls. They suffered dismemberment (at the hands of my brother), underwater submersion, fashion disasters, and most of all countless bad hair days. Perhaps I will spend that $100 on a couple of pairs of sneakers...