I've decided that I need to start from the beginning of my crazy sexual experiences so that you can see how things have evolved since then. Like the title implies, my first sexual encounter was not a good one. In fact, it was down right awful. That's why I was filled with regret and disbelief. I regretted that I had wasted my virginity on what I now call a "dead fuck" and I was in absolute disbelief because I believed that ALL my friends had lied to me. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I was a late bloomer. I had always been afraid of getting pregnant and I wanted to make sure that didn't happen and interfere with my education. I had boyfriends in high school, but the thought of having sex in high school was repulsive. I was convinced that a high school boy knew about as much as I did and that would not be a pleasant experience. So I thought that if I waited until college I would find some experienced college boy that would show me the ropes. That's what I get for thinking...me and my smart ass!
It was the summer before my Sophomore year in college and all was well. Freshman year was over and I had the confidence to approach the guys now. I met a guy through a relative and we hit it off. He wasn't the most attractive man to look at, but he was nice. We dated for a short while and then one night, CURIOSITY got the best of me. He knew I was a virgin and was told by my relative not to even think about having sex with me. LOL..if only I had listened to my relative and not my raging 19 year-old hormones. I'll save you all the gory details because it still makes me mad at myself every time I think of my first time, but here's a short list. He was not gentle, he didn't ask if I was okay or if it hurt, he was pounding away, and wanted to keep going all night. And worst of all, he was breathing and sweating profusely in my face (YUCK!). The entire time I kept thinking to myself, "seriously, is this it? this is what all my friends are raving about?" In hind sight, I often wondered if it was his first time? But I knew better, he was kinda slutty. And did I mention that he was 21 years old??? I guess up to that point, no one told him he couldn't fuck. What a pity.
Fast forward to the morning after. I was ready for his ass to go home. Funny, because I get like that now sometimes. He was looking at me like I was a piece of meat and he was hungry. I remember jumping up and telling him we better get up because my roommates would be home soon. I got up and handed him his clothes and told him I'd call him that night. I was so glad when I shut that door behind him. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo mad at myself. I had wasted what was supposed to be a very special moment on some guy who now wants to pound, breathe, and sweat on me on a regular basis. He wanted us to be a couple. I wanted to have nothing to do with that. I knew, even though I had never had sex, that it was not supposed to be like that. We dated for a couple more months and then I had to let that go. I didn't want to regret him taking my virginity and keeping me all to himself, away from some man who could show me the real truth behind "this thing called sex". I was convinced that there was a man who could be gentle and talk me through the process. After all, it was all new to me.
I remember telling some of my friends after it happened, and they were shocked. I told them all I was pissed at them because they told me how good sex felt and that it was fun. Bullshit, didn't feel good and it most definitely was no fun. I still couldn't believe that I was no longer a virgin and that this would be my cautionary tale to all the virgins of the world. I was scarred and scared, not sure if I wanted to do it again. And then I met him. He was a tall, slender, very handsome 19 year old Sophomore. I was physically attracted to him so everything else just fell into place. I wasn't afraid to try "this thing called sex" with him. Good God Almighty...why didn't I hold on to my flower until I met him!!! It was wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, stupendous, and incredible. NOW I SEE WHAT EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT... That little 19 year old boy showed me the ropes and then some. I ended up making him my boyfriend for two years. He was not a virgin, but experienced enough so that he could teach me. We also learned a lot together. We were free to explore one anothers bodies and I felt safe exploring what would become my knowledge of self. From him I learned how to express what I wanted and what I didn't like so much. He told me what felt good to him and I learned how to listen and watch for cues that let me know that I was doing something he liked. There is no regret from that relationship, only gratitude. Now that's the kind of first time everybody should have. But for me the second time, or second person, was a charm.
It was the summer before my Sophomore year in college and all was well. Freshman year was over and I had the confidence to approach the guys now. I met a guy through a relative and we hit it off. He wasn't the most attractive man to look at, but he was nice. We dated for a short while and then one night, CURIOSITY got the best of me. He knew I was a virgin and was told by my relative not to even think about having sex with me. LOL..if only I had listened to my relative and not my raging 19 year-old hormones. I'll save you all the gory details because it still makes me mad at myself every time I think of my first time, but here's a short list. He was not gentle, he didn't ask if I was okay or if it hurt, he was pounding away, and wanted to keep going all night. And worst of all, he was breathing and sweating profusely in my face (YUCK!). The entire time I kept thinking to myself, "seriously, is this it? this is what all my friends are raving about?" In hind sight, I often wondered if it was his first time? But I knew better, he was kinda slutty. And did I mention that he was 21 years old??? I guess up to that point, no one told him he couldn't fuck. What a pity.
Fast forward to the morning after. I was ready for his ass to go home. Funny, because I get like that now sometimes. He was looking at me like I was a piece of meat and he was hungry. I remember jumping up and telling him we better get up because my roommates would be home soon. I got up and handed him his clothes and told him I'd call him that night. I was so glad when I shut that door behind him. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo mad at myself. I had wasted what was supposed to be a very special moment on some guy who now wants to pound, breathe, and sweat on me on a regular basis. He wanted us to be a couple. I wanted to have nothing to do with that. I knew, even though I had never had sex, that it was not supposed to be like that. We dated for a couple more months and then I had to let that go. I didn't want to regret him taking my virginity and keeping me all to himself, away from some man who could show me the real truth behind "this thing called sex". I was convinced that there was a man who could be gentle and talk me through the process. After all, it was all new to me.
I remember telling some of my friends after it happened, and they were shocked. I told them all I was pissed at them because they told me how good sex felt and that it was fun. Bullshit, didn't feel good and it most definitely was no fun. I still couldn't believe that I was no longer a virgin and that this would be my cautionary tale to all the virgins of the world. I was scarred and scared, not sure if I wanted to do it again. And then I met him. He was a tall, slender, very handsome 19 year old Sophomore. I was physically attracted to him so everything else just fell into place. I wasn't afraid to try "this thing called sex" with him. Good God Almighty...why didn't I hold on to my flower until I met him!!! It was wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, stupendous, and incredible. NOW I SEE WHAT EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT... That little 19 year old boy showed me the ropes and then some. I ended up making him my boyfriend for two years. He was not a virgin, but experienced enough so that he could teach me. We also learned a lot together. We were free to explore one anothers bodies and I felt safe exploring what would become my knowledge of self. From him I learned how to express what I wanted and what I didn't like so much. He told me what felt good to him and I learned how to listen and watch for cues that let me know that I was doing something he liked. There is no regret from that relationship, only gratitude. Now that's the kind of first time everybody should have. But for me the second time, or second person, was a charm.
1 comment:
My first was so/so, it didn't make me excited about sex, but i evolved as anyone can.
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